During check in at my men’s group the other night, I at some point uttered that I felt like I was in “the montage” portion of my current life story. While lifetimes are likely montages in themselves, on a more minute level I think it’s useful to look at how montages and transformation relate. In cinema, montages are nearly always ellipses for transformations over time. Training sequences, makeovers, climbing the corporate ladder, falling in love - they’re all just transformations over time that are the result of a continuous practice of some sort. All the ‘hardwork’ generally occurs in the montage in the movies, the sheer monotony and repetition of perfecting anything, the struggle of not feeling progress, the regressions and off days. Then there’s a sequence/climax that proves said transformation has occurred and is now a permanent trait and rewards are reaped.
The small glory moments and payoffs get a huge share of the story, while the stuff that takes the longest gets the least screen-time! And that’s because change and growth itself are boring!
While granted state experiences and occasional monumental ‘break-thrus’ do occur, in my experience the great majority of transformation is extremely minute over time. Day to day, extraordinary things don’t happen: you may be slightly better or worse in your practice, but overall you kinda feel the same as you did yesterday. Then, suddenly, one day seemingly out of the blue you either see or feel a drastic difference. For me its often by experiencing a bit of how I used to be, whether via image, sound, or a deeply triggered memory…..
Time always turns up the ‘contrast’, making the differences/results between the old and new clearly discernible. Day by day you can’t see any differences and suddenly one little shift and all the details of the radical differences become immediately visible
So anyway, I’m in a montage now. I’m still pretty much the same small self I’ve been, and day to day not much feels different. There aren’t glorious triumphs or big wins. At best, I find a few moments of a more authentic self flashing thru here and there, most usually in touching in with some deep sadness I’ve held at bay for far too long. Like any transformation, it’s not easy and it’s not fun. It’s often tedious, redundant, painful, and sometimes makes me wonder why I’m doing it.
But, I have to remind myself that progress is being made, and that one day I might wake up and suddenly the contrast will be apparent, and I’ll be amazed at how I never saw all the changes that’ve happened.
End of incoherent rant. This explains it much better:
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the winds of change are definitely blowing and for the first time in a long time i feel like i have no bearings and simply no clue in what direction to point my sail. it’s a slightly uncomfortable feeling, though not an unfamiliar one as it feels similar to what i’ve felt in previous periods of growth of some kind or another.
consequently, as my fitness program is the only point of stability in my life of any sort right now, I’m going to throw a lot of energy towards it this next week, and not just because I took last week off. somehow it has become my comfort zone and i hope that abiding in it with extra awareness for the next while will make it much easier to weather whatever storm appears to be rolling in.
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One of my many goals of this year; look like this again:
I can’t ever remember being that thin…..
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Twas a year ago today that my sister and I packed up the rented Taurus and headed west to Boulder. What a year its been…..
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