Jun
18

I’m in my Montage

Posted in life at 10:18 pm with tags: • • • • • • • • •

During check in at my men’s group the other night, I at some point uttered that I felt like I was in “the montage” portion of my current life story. While lifetimes are likely montages in themselves, on a more minute level I think it’s useful to look at how montages and transformation relate. In cinema, montages are nearly always ellipses for transformations over time. Training sequences, makeovers, climbing the corporate ladder, falling in love - they’re all just transformations over time that are the result of a continuous practice of some sort. All the ‘hardwork’ generally occurs in the montage in the movies, the sheer monotony and repetition of perfecting anything, the struggle of not feeling progress, the regressions and off days. Then there’s a sequence/climax that proves said transformation has occurred and is now a permanent trait and rewards are reaped.

The small glory moments and payoffs get a huge share of the story, while the stuff that takes the longest gets the least screen-time! And that’s because change and growth itself are boring!

While granted state experiences and occasional monumental ‘break-thrus’ do occur, in my experience the great majority of transformation is extremely minute over time. Day to day, extraordinary things don’t happen: you may be slightly better or worse in your practice, but overall you kinda feel the same as you did yesterday. Then, suddenly, one day seemingly out of the blue you either see or feel a drastic difference. For me its often by experiencing a bit of how I used to be, whether via image, sound, or a deeply triggered memory…..

Time always turns up the ‘contrast’, making the differences/results between the old and new clearly discernible. Day by day you can’t see any differences and suddenly one little shift and all the details of the radical differences become immediately visible

So anyway, I’m in a montage now. I’m still pretty much the same small self I’ve been, and day to day not much feels different. There aren’t glorious triumphs or big wins. At best, I find a few moments of a more authentic self flashing thru here and there, most usually in touching in with some deep sadness I’ve held at bay for far too long. Like any transformation, it’s not easy and it’s not fun. It’s often tedious, redundant, painful, and sometimes makes me wonder why I’m doing it.

But, I have to remind myself that progress is being made, and that one day I might wake up and suddenly the contrast will be apparent, and I’ll be amazed at how I never saw all the changes that’ve happened.

End of incoherent rant. This explains it much better:

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Dec
14

The New Man

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:44 am with tags: • • • • •

Check it out: Casey & The Falling Fruit gang have launched a new show with host Tripp Lanier: The New Man!

About the show:

Introducing the New Man. The New Man is constantly evolving, changing and growing. He is not the “macho jerk,” mindlessly bullying through the world. He is also not the “New Age wimp,” out of touch with his deepest power. The New Man finds integrity in every moment and always looks for his truest expression. Listen as we meet with leaders in the field of men’s development work as well as men expressing their truth in all walks of life.

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Aug
31

PJology - Tagging - Daughter/It’s OK

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:52 pm with tags: • • • •

Yup, another Pearl Jam post, this time about my favorite tags. ‘tagging’ is a bit of a PJ tradition for certain songs (namely daughter & betterman). They play the song……then keep going and ‘tag’ the song with another…..

There are some great ones, (betterman/sooner or later is quite good), but hands down the best one of all has to be Daughter/It’s OK.

Debuted in 2000 after PJ returned to the states after the tragedy at Rockslide when it had a particularly poignancy in that it involved crowd participation, they’ve played it here and there since(sadly I’ve never seen it live). Touring Band 2000 has it on the DVD, which is where I fell in love, and I gotta say, it nearly brings me to tears every time. It’s OK is by Dead Moon, a solid little punk band. The lyrics aren’t incredibly deep, but they are incredibly simple, incredibly insightful, and to me, incredibly true.

PJ doesn’t sing the whole song, just the last refrain, pasted here for your enjoyment.

It’s okay, we’ve all seen better days
It’s okay, you don’t have to run and hide away
It’s okay
It’s okay, yeah we love you anyway

This is my chance, this is my life
And my opening hour
This is my choice, this is my voice
There may be no tomorrow
This is my plea, this is my need
This is my time for standing free
This is my step, this is my depth
In a world demanding of me
But it’s okay…….

It’s okay………..

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Aug
28

Updates……including training

Posted in fitness, life, strength training at 1:49 pm with tags: • • • • •

Spent a good weekend in chicago filming more videos, this time at Navy Pier. Got a little sunburned, SHAME on me. Flew back Monday morning and went into work, then went straight to the gym for a truly ass kicking afternoon chest/triceps session. Nearly passed out in the Sauna, then headed home for a bit before meeting stan for some drinks in the evening.

Had a good hill run this morning, realizing that winter is coming has made it a bit easier to get up and enjoy the warmth. This year is flying by. Starting to get a fairly good outline/vibe of what the next year or so of life is going to like, and must say it feels pretty good to have some direction again. Still working through some of the issues that came up for me a few weeks ago, and while not really enjoyable, it feels good to be letting go of some things.

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Aug
22

Mount Sanitas in the morning, hiking, growth

Posted in fitness at 7:50 am with tags: • • • •

Our gym is closed this week for their annual week long “deep clean”. As a result, for the 2nd August in a row, Casey and I are doing our morning Sanitas hikes. It’s such a beautiful, gratifying way to start the day that I am deeply enjoying. I’ve always found that I seem to process and be my sharpest cognitively when I’m hiking. Something about hiking specifically, even more so than walking, really puts me into an open space that often leads me to have some truly amazing discussions. This morning’s was particularly great, covering everything from the dangers of ego at the world centric level, karma, eros/agape, the idealism of romantic love, how deepening one’s secondary sexual essence can often deepen your primary one, and how important it is to be open to pain, as that’s often where the most growth occurs. At least that’s what I think we talked about. ;^)

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Aug
21

Slipping Away

Posted in life at 4:26 pm with tags: • • • • • •

I like this song……..Moby rocks. “open to everything” has been the phrase in my head the last week. I knew it was from a song but couldn’t remember it for the life of me. Feels good to have found it……..and to be feeling it……


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Aug
16

Training Log: August 15th.

Posted in fitness at 9:20 am with tags: •

It’s been a while! Some crazy traveling definitely caused my training schedule to go out of whack, but I’m happy to say I had an excellent leg workout yesterday morning, and even though I nearly flaked out, managed to get my ass out of bed this morning to run intervals. Can’t say they were *great*, still challenging as hell really, but feels good to have them done.

These logs will be sporadic at best for the time, but I’ll keep chugging away at them. As my physical self has gotten back into good form, I’m finding a lot more emotional and mental issues letting themselves peak back up. I’m about to start another training program of sorts, definitely of a different kind, but one that I might decide to write a bit about at sometime or another. In the meantime, know that work is being done, life is a little crazy, and I’m still poor as hell. But how could it be any other way, and would I want it to?

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Jul
7

Change & Routine

Posted in fitness, life at 8:56 pm with tags: • • •

the winds of change are definitely blowing and for the first time in a long time i feel like i have no bearings and simply no clue in what direction to point my sail. it’s a slightly uncomfortable feeling, though not an unfamiliar one as it feels similar to what i’ve felt in previous periods of growth of some kind or another.

consequently, as my fitness program is the only point of stability in my life of any sort right now, I’m going to throw a lot of energy towards it this next week, and not just because I took last week off. somehow it has become my comfort zone and i hope that abiding in it with extra awareness for the next while will make it much easier to weather whatever storm appears to be rolling in.

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Nov
9

Home

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:19 pm with tags: • •

I’m actually in Illinois right now, flew out last night as unfortunately my grandfather passed away yesterday. He was 94 and sharp as a knife until the end. His hardwork, along with my Grandmothers and parents, is really what has given me the opportunity to live the life I’ve been blessed to so far. In so many ways its because of him that I’m where I’m at right now.

I’ll miss you Pa.

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Oct
18

From the East to the West

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:40 pm with tags: • •

Father Thomas Keating and Diane Musho Hamilton having an amazing dialogue on religion, the state of world affairs, and personal shadow at day 4 of the Integral Contemplative Christianity Seminar I went to 2 weeks ago. Amazing human beings and teachers.

In other news, saw Brett Dennen on the Hotel Cafe/RED tour last week at Boulder’s very own Fox theater. No surprise to me that brett headlined the show and managed to bring the house down single-handedly.

And I’m building my own movie theater in our basement, my projector comes tomorrow. I’m going to watch a LOT of movies this winter. Time to brush up on cinematic history…..

Other exciting news, I now have full medical, dental, and life insurance. So bring it on snipers.

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May
22

All Night

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:01 pm with tags: • •

Look’s like I might be about to pull an all nighter! So time to type while I can.

My week in Illinois went by in a flash. It was pretty exhausting really, and brought up a lot of emotions. I feel like I’ve gone through every conceivable mood in the last week: regretful, overjoyed, exhausted, mad, sad, jealous, depressed, anxious, happy, and everything else in between. It was one hell of a ride.

This year is an important one to me that I’m feeling is going to make or break a lot of things in my life. And I’m starting to feel that the next time I blink and open my eyes years will have gone by, not seconds.

The honeymoon portion of my move to Boulder is ending, and all that shit I’ve tried to run away from everytime I’ve moved in the past is coming right back to the surface as it always does.

But I finally think I’m ready to take it head on, and manage to have a pretty kick ass time while doing so. A lot of my ideas about what I’d like to do with myself in the long term started to solidfy in the last few days, and I’m going to do my damnest to use every tool available to me in Boulder to arm myself to be the best damn person I can possibly be.

Things aren’t perfect, and never will be. But I’m learning to just relax and enjoy the ride.

This is my kind of love.

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