During check in at my men’s group the other night, I at some point uttered that I felt like I was in “the montage” portion of my current life story. While lifetimes are likely montages in themselves, on a more minute level I think it’s useful to look at how montages and transformation relate. In cinema, montages are nearly always ellipses for transformations over time. Training sequences, makeovers, climbing the corporate ladder, falling in love - they’re all just transformations over time that are the result of a continuous practice of some sort. All the ‘hardwork’ generally occurs in the montage in the movies, the sheer monotony and repetition of perfecting anything, the struggle of not feeling progress, the regressions and off days. Then there’s a sequence/climax that proves said transformation has occurred and is now a permanent trait and rewards are reaped.
The small glory moments and payoffs get a huge share of the story, while the stuff that takes the longest gets the least screen-time! And that’s because change and growth itself are boring!
While granted state experiences and occasional monumental ‘break-thrus’ do occur, in my experience the great majority of transformation is extremely minute over time. Day to day, extraordinary things don’t happen: you may be slightly better or worse in your practice, but overall you kinda feel the same as you did yesterday. Then, suddenly, one day seemingly out of the blue you either see or feel a drastic difference. For me its often by experiencing a bit of how I used to be, whether via image, sound, or a deeply triggered memory…..
Time always turns up the ‘contrast’, making the differences/results between the old and new clearly discernible. Day by day you can’t see any differences and suddenly one little shift and all the details of the radical differences become immediately visible
So anyway, I’m in a montage now. I’m still pretty much the same small self I’ve been, and day to day not much feels different. There aren’t glorious triumphs or big wins. At best, I find a few moments of a more authentic self flashing thru here and there, most usually in touching in with some deep sadness I’ve held at bay for far too long. Like any transformation, it’s not easy and it’s not fun. It’s often tedious, redundant, painful, and sometimes makes me wonder why I’m doing it.
But, I have to remind myself that progress is being made, and that one day I might wake up and suddenly the contrast will be apparent, and I’ll be amazed at how I never saw all the changes that’ve happened.
End of incoherent rant. This explains it much better:
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Earlier today Casey gave me a wallet made from recycled tires. He noticed my old one was a bit weathered. It is. I got it back in like 1999, at Kohls, with Ryan Doss and Brad Lewin.
My wallets bit on my ass for almost 10 years now, it’s been everywhere I’ve been. I’m attached to it and not sure I’m ready to replace it.
It’s seen my life in IL, CA, CO, and trips to Europe, Chile, Canada, and across the US.
It’s almost been to as many pearl jam shows as me.
It’s been to EVERY spearhead show I’ve been to.
Maybe it’s time to let go, but I just don’t know…
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